I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
You Might Also Like
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
it was love at first sight
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.