I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
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I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
calling in to work dehydrated
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.