me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
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FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
a god among men
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.