You Might Also Like
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.