Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
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A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.