Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
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Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit