I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
You Might Also Like
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”