Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
You Might Also Like
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
just pretend nothing happened
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!