just pretend nothing happened
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I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?