Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
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My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*