“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
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According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Chicago sounds lovely.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.