Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
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When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.