Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”![]()
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Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
He wanted to make sure😂
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?