Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
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my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
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Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.