Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
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STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach