People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
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Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
From Facebook just now…
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”