Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
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*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
me, too, girl. me, too.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*