Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
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*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.