yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
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Feels like the fourth month in January
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.