What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
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Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.