A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
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[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
me and who
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.