I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
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All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Is….Is this an option?
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
I’m too immature for adultery.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming