me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
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Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps