[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
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found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Sorry. Not sorry
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.