(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
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Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.