(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
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*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
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*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.
Guantanamo Bae
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
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Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
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