It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
You Might Also Like
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
I love art.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”