Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
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The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it