When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
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Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
😬
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]