Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
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My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.