[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
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It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.