Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.

Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm

No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.

A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.

Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.

Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?

Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.

I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.

I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.

I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.

Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.

“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”

I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos

Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account

The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.

He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.

Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.

The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat

The defense rests your honor.

*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*

I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.

My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—

every time he drives.

Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?

Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it

Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.

I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑

You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now

Customize Your Wedding.

Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂

Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.

Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning

Sunday morning: wow I’m right here

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.

*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*

Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls

Friend: how many?

Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny

Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*