Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
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Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Accurate
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Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.