My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
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The point of your 20s
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
My plans: 2020:
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission