SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
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Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.