Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
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I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Just had my nails done!
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.