WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
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The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
selena gomez
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.