I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.

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Watching TV

Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…

Me: Woo! They said my birthday!


If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.

-Everyone at my job.


[Standing still for a picture]

I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.


My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!


[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend


I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.


I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..


The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.


When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.