I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
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[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Interior design 👌
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces