Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
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My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
If only.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen