Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
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Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.