Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
You Might Also Like
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.