boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
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I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one