No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
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Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
brian had himself a morning…
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”