No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
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Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.