If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
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I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes