Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
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I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute