ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
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Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Leaving the Barbers like
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Yes, but it was never about money