How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
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Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”