Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
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*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
britain’s three elite institutions
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.