*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
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My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣