Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
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“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.