My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
You Might Also Like
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”