Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
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my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.